TANI: The Next Told
Tani curled her toes, then released it, letting the sands out. She had been at that for a while now. Curling, uncurling, as memories washed her. Memories specifically from the past night.
She stood up, deciding to go closer to the waters. It was Saturday, and she had decided to do something different with this weekend. To do something by herself. She spent so much time with others once she was out her home, that if one risked a guess that she ran from something within herself, they would not be wrong. The decision she had taken to spend her day on the beach had everything to do with what had happened the night before.
She removed her kimono jacket, exposing her arms, content to be stung by the harsh winds that fed from the raging seas. She dropped the jacket carefully, risking a glance to her left side as she did, not at all surprised to see that the man was still watching her.
He met her eyes unflinchingly, and gave a small smirk. It looked like a dare, and while she was usually up for dares, this was not one she cared to play. Not today.
He had arrived about an hour after she did, bought a drink for her, then left her to her whims. She turned, and continued her walk to the sea. The waters were angry today. The sky was dark too. Nature was about to do one of her favorite things. Clash.
It was going to rain.
She reached the closest she allowed herself be to the waters, and gave the guard who was posed not too far from where she stood a nod to show that she would not be walking further. She wasn’t quite ready to meet the mamiwaters. She looked around as that thought formed, then laughed at herself. What was she expecting? An arm stretching from the water to drag her legs under?
She let out a laugh at that, gave another nod to the guard who was beginning to look at her suspicious, then took some steps back. She did not exactly want to tempt the spirits. Whether or not they were there was not a thought she cared at all to dissect. The waters licked at her feet as she stepped back, and it felt like a plea. It took her again to the night before, and goosebumps washed over her. She was tempted to remain as she was. Feel the waters beg. Feel it patter nervously around her. Wanting more of her. Needing her to stay. It took her to the night before. Except, she was the one that had begged, and this time, she hated the goose bumps that spread over her body.
Everything became profound when thought out in slow motion. It was intentional. Painful, and sometimes, seductive, as the wave that happened now. There was rage in its actions, but once she trapped that memory and allowed herself remember, it was all beauty. A sly seduction. It was not anymore the singular action of the wave happening. It was the water leaping, almost as if attempting a jump. Several tries, and finally, perfecting the majestic bow. Surrendering to itself.
It was her beating heart. It was the memories that came alive when she thought back to the action.
The rage was seductive.
The sky was very dark now, and she felt wet drops on her skin.
The clash was going to happen.
She closed her eyes, remaining where she was, wanting nature to let loose in her presence. She wanted to feel the waters hit her skin. She wanted to let her ears witness the battle. She wanted to guess who was winning. The sea? The rain?
She remembered yesterday.
She remembered Dele.
Her still born.
It made a full year yesterday since he died, and she had visited his grave. She had begged him to come back. She had begged, convinced she had finally lost her mind as she bowed, her head on the marble, and pleaded. For what? A child that had never even let out a breath outside her?
It was no more the labor that had been happening so seamlessly that the Doctor commented on how amazing she was and that everything was going better than planned. It was no more the nurses being so kind and reassuring as they measured her dilation.
It was laying in that bed. It was her trapped in a position, helpless, her hands wrapped lovingly in a nurse’s own, her breath held as she waited to see light and wonder in the faces of the nurses.
A light that never came.
It was in the second she realized all was not well. It was her throat clogging, turning tight cords that threatened to snuff the life out of her as the Doctor looked at her, his eyes filled with pity. It couldn’t have been up to a full second. That glance, but she remembered it.
The memories replayed in slow motion, and she saw his eyes again. It was grave. It was pain, as he nodded to the nurses who rushed to take the babe from his hands, while some others cleaned her up.
No one looked her in the eye.
It was the deathly silence that filled her room that had been all lovely chattering and encouragements just a minute ago.
It was painfully asking the nurse beside her what happened, choosing not to believe what she knew. It was the pain that started from the tips of her fingers and spread to all of her and sought leave in her eyes.
A pain that rocked her entire self. A pain that changed the course of her living. A pain that had never quite found it’s way out of her being. The tears had become routine.
It was telling her lover of her pregnancy all over again, her breath held in anticipation of his response. She had seen the way he lit up when he played with his nieces and nephews. Surely he would be elated to now have a child for himself?
It was the love in his gaze as he patiently waited for her to tell him what had made her restless through the movie night they had just had. The love that turned to utter disgust and disappointment as he blinked in disbelief.
It was the hard, unending days that followed.
It was the solace she had finally sought in the life that grew within her. A life that never got a chance to be.
It was the night she had her first date with him.
The first time she played with the blade.
She remembered seeing a new birthed baby everywhere she turned after she was dismissed from the hospital.
It was hard. It still was.
She joined her hands, and sighed.
Would the pain ever stop?
She put her palms to her face. Opened her eyes, closed it, allowing the tears a free fall. She felt an urgent tap on her shoulder, and she heard him.
“You have to leave now Ma. Or return to your cover. You’re too close to the water.
It was the guard.
“Look around. The beach is emptying!”
He was practically shouting, shielding his eyes as he tried to look properly at her but failing because of the water that stung his eyes.
She nodded, and walked back to her tent. She checked to see if the man who had watched her walk to the water was there, but he wasn’t, and that for some reason, dampened her mood even further.
She packed all she brought in her bag, and decided she was going to leave. It was only a few minutes past four in the evening, but she had no desire to stay anymore. She walked the long distance back to the gate, trying not to get frustrated as the wet sands clung to her skin, at the same time grateful for the distraction it provided.
By the time she got to the gates, the rain had significantly reduced, there were no cabs, and she let out a little laugh. She was frustrated alright.
She brought out her phone, prepared to order from a ride hailing service when she saw the man who had been beside her on the beach walk towards her.
She watched him.
His body.
He waited till she met his eyes before saying any.
“I wondered how long it would take before you came out.” was the first he said as he reached her.
She looked at him. He was just a little taller than her, so she did not have to look so high up. He had a regular voice that had a slight rasp to it, but he spoke clear. She briefly wondered what his morning voice would sound like.
Sex.
It would sound like sex. She concluded within herself.
She wondered if she would hate this moment in another year. Two years? Three?
She was not ready.
She did not think she would ever be ready.
“I’m here now.” She said, and continued walking.
He followed, and she stopped, deciding to concentrate on ordering the ride. Allowing him time to say whatever it was he wanted to say.
“Can I take you home?
She turned to face him fully, and knew skepticism was all over her face.
“I do rides sometimes….there are no cabs, and you could pay if you are more comfortable with that?” He added after a beat, as if to make her less afraid, but she was not. She allowed him take her bag, and followed him, just a step behind.
She was not afraid.
The days leading to this one had been filled with self-pity. Bottles that never quite did the job. She never really forgot. The pain was consistent. It was in the raising of the bottles to her lips, then the despair that made her drop it. She had been reading. Breathing. Trying to. She had been a mess since the start of the month. It was the build up to yesterday, and it was worse that she had to be at work during the day.
She entered the car, copied his plate number and shared her journey with a friend and shared a look with him as she wore her seat belt.
She still did not know his name.
He still did not know her home.
Grief was funny, because one second she was unwavering in her stance to not let herself anymore in certain situations, and the next she was doing the opposite, all the time convincing herself she was simply trying to forget.
She wanted a distraction, and it was everywhere she turned.
She had chosen her next sob story.
Her therapist would be thrilled.
- ***
Hi ya! Thank you so much for reading.
I hope you enjoyed it. It’ll be a new Month in two days, and I am contemplating challenging myself to a 28 day writing challenge. I have typed this already, so yes. The challenge will be happening. I may work with a prompt, or I may just write. I’ll think up the deets and share them on the first of February so we have a good idea on how it would go.
Crossing my fingers hard that we go through with this one.
-Femii.